The upsides and downsides of bed rest

Step into my office…

The effects of strict bed rest after almost two weeks are starting to appear in my husband, my cat, and myself.

  • My cat, desperate to escape my presence during the day, rolls his eyes and stalks out of the room whenever I open my mouth to chatter at him in kitty-baby talk.  He attacks the front door and the windows, deperate for an escape.  On the upside, I can give him lots of attention before Sugar Lump arrives and takes the spotlight.  He doesn’t like me very much, but I still like him.
  • My husband hasn’t seen his friends in weeks because he is afraid that if he leaves me alone and goes out for a few hours of relaxation and enjoyment I’ll go into labor, deliver my baby on the bathroom floor, hemorrhage to death, and he will be a heartbroken single father.  He’s sitting by himself in the living room, singing Rufus Wainwright songs loudly and playing chess against his iPad, “Men reading fashion magazines…oh what a world we live in!”  The poor man needs to get out.
  • We finally forced ourselves to spend the money and buy a digital camera for Sugar Lump’s debut.  I got to lay in bed and play with my new toy and take photo after photo of…the ceiling fan in my bedroom.  On the upside, I no longer have to borrow my friend’s petal-pink point and shoot.
  • The highlight of my week is the day when my mom drives up in her big blue mini van and takes me to my doctor’s appointment.  I put on makeup and my nicest sweats, hobble through the hospital and take deep breaths of disinfectant-laced air.  Then I get to sit for 30 minutes hooked up to a bunch of sensors and look at four walls that are different than the ones in my home.  This, in itself is an upside.
  • Friends and family who come to visit are accosted by a tidal wave of prattle about cervical length and contraction-slowing Nifedepine, which is the only thing I can talk about these days.  On the upside, I now feel like I am armed with so much knowledge of preterm labor that I could start my own OB/GYN practice.
  • Sometimes I sit in a chair by our front window and stare out at the people jogging and walking their dogs.  If I really smash my face against the glass I can watch the cherry trees next door progress in their bloom.  When the sun actually manages to fight its way through the clouds and shine onto my couch I squint and cringe like a vampire.  On the upside, this cringing routine usually makes me laugh.
  • My skin has taken on a pallor that could be described as “ecru”.  Ghostly doesn’t begin to describe my face.  On the upside, my risk of developing skin cancer decreases every day!
  • I can feel my muscles as they atrophy away into nothingness.  Its sort of tingles and aches.  I attempted to lift a gallon of milk from the refrigerator and almost couldn’t do it.  I can’t manage to haul a pile of laundry from the bedroom to the washing machine. On the upside, this means that Huzzybee has to do the laundry.
  • Regretful thoughts sneak into my head all day long.  “Why didn’t I go outside and take a walk the day before I went to the hospital?  Why didn’t I get my toenails painted before I was placed under house arrest?  How come I didn’t cherish every breath of fresh air  and the sound of every chirping bird?”  On the upside, I’ll certainly not take outside time for granted any more.
  • I am really starting to hate Facebook because I look at it and see friends taking trips, going out to restaurants, hiking, running half-marathons, or just walking their dogs and I feel bitter and sorry for myself.  On the upside…nah, this one just makes me feel bad.
  • In the beginning of my pregnancy I used to dream at night about eating sushi.  The dreams were so visceral that I could taste the fish and feel it in my mouth.  I would wake up salivating, and according to Huzzybee I even talk about sushi in my sleep.  Further into my pregnancy I had jogging dreams at least once a week.  I would win marathons, or just enjoy a run by the lake while I snored away in my bed.  Now I dream about walking out to collect the mail.  On the upside, I am planning a lot of activities with Sugar Lump, including jogging and going to sushi restaurants.
  • All I want is to do my own damned dishes.  I crept into the kitchen and made an attempt yesterday but immediately doubled over with cramps and then crawled back into bed.  On the upside, my hands look really nice and smooth now.

Friends, Matrons…don’t take anything for granted – it can all be taken away faster than you can say Vesper martini.  Take a minute to think about all the little things that make your life great.

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